A Day Without Your Sunshine.

Day 13//23 Days Left: My aunt killed the rooster yesterday. There were no 5 a.m. wake up calls today, just the sounds of people snoring and phones ringing off the hook. Today was by far the busiest day I’ve had here, which is a really nice change considering that I have hardly seen any light outside my room since Wednesday night [with the exception of Friday morning in which I got out for breakfast but was back in my cave by noon].

We got a call from my dad today. Lee got home last night, so him and Cheyenne are staying with my dad for now. It was good hearing their voices. For some reason, this year I’ve found myself treasuring any familiarity from my home away from here a lot more than in past years. They were on their way to go see The Dark Knight, and I’m insanely jealous. That was about 9:30.

Immediately after, I found myself jumping into an ice cold shower. Colder than usual, seeing as to how it was a very fresh and cool morning. My family from San Luis was said to be on their way, so I had to start getting ready right away. The church service wasn’t until 2 that afternoon, but with a herd of people I knew would be hogging the bathroom and mirrors, I figured it would be smart to get ready before they arrived. No one even ended up getting here until about noon. But after that, it was a madhouse here; crazy family members running everywhere.

We ended up being late to the mass service, go figure. It was nice though. My mom made me go up to the front and play photographer. Not that I minded. I like that role. After that we all stampeded over to the party place [kinda like a Discovery Zone play place for kids, if you hopefully even know what DZ is, lol] and had a grand ole’ time. Ya know, little kids running around screaming in your face, little girls giving you sticky lollipops that they decided they didn’t want to finish, and huge piñata that’s just waiting to be smashed to pieces. It was nice, but not too fun for someone like me with no one to talk to and being way too old to play with all the fun toys. I actually didn’t have much fun at all. Except that I got a chance to beat that piñata like it was an ex boyfriend I found cheating on me :)

We left the place about 7 and all came back to my house. Everyone gathered their chairs and made a sort of circle in the patio. Kinda made me feel like I was in AA or something though, lol. But sitting there staring is kinda what made my night so horrible. It was the fact that everyone there was talking to one another, but I somehow ended up being the only person with nothing to say.

Family is a funny thing. I have so much of them, it’s pretty ridiculous. I’ve spent my whole life adoring these people and being adored by them in return. Mexico is a place I’ve never really felt that uncomfortable being in. Until one day, it just kinda hits. Right now, I have absolutely no one that I fit in with. I’ve always felt an age gap between me and everyone else. I mean all of my cousins are all pretty much over the age of 27. And all of their kids are no older than 16 [but then again, that’s only 2 of them, Giselle and Estefany. Everyone else is under like, 12]. My favorite cousin Gianni is 21, and we’ve always gotten along great. But problem with that is that he lives far away and pretty much every time he does come around now, he ends up leaving to go out and have fun [something my mom is obviously terrified of my having]. Other than them, I really have no one else.

I have a herd of family sitting outside on the patio right now, sadly lacking the only three people I had to talk to. I sat there for about half an hour tuning into every groups conversations, but in the end, I was still just an outsider. I have absolutely nothing that I can input. The older adults are sitting at one side talking about things that I don’t understand whatsoever. My cousins are talking’s about their careers, kids and pregnancy [one of my cousins is pregnant, all other females were giving her advice and telling her how beautiful it is to be pregnant]. The only ones left after that were little kids running around playing tag, and…I have never felt so alone here in my entire life. I have never felt that feeling of not belonging with my family before. Hell, half my cousins forget that I’m their cousin! They all think that I am a niece because of my age. It makes me feel ridiculous. And suddenly with that feeling of such loneliness, I kinda just broke down.

I had to go hide out in the bathroom for a while because I had nowhere else to run. I didn’t know where to go that my mom wouldn’t find me and yell because I wasn’t spending time with the family, but I couldn’t sit in between them all anymore just staring and not saying a word. It was driving me crazy. The only thing I could think of at that moment was just how much I wanted to come home to you. Come home to someone I knew loved me and that I knew I belonged with. I wanted more than ever to be with you.

I ended up going into the kitchen and sat. I ate an entire role of Ritz crackers alone in my boredom. After the kids and older ones started coming in and filling up the rooms, and I could no longer be on the computer to write you, I crawled into bed and tried falling asleep. I must say, it’s the earliest I think I have ever tried sleeping while here. It was about 1:30, and I still had my cousins sitting outside chatting up a storm of their worlds that I, apparently, “wouldn’t understand”. I think I fell asleep to the sounds of their cackles.

So that, my love, was my day. Should have been one of the best, ended up being one of the worst. I just hope you're having better luck than I am, lol. I miss you so much baby. I love you with all of my heart.