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Day 1

Let Me Fall.

Never forget that you are my life. My heart and soul. My everything. No matter where life takes us, whether we make it to the end or not, you'll always be my sunshine on a cloudy day...

I Love You.

Forever & Always.

Hide and Seek.

I'm completely coming unglued. I need a place for my head. I know you won't read this, but I have to come clean...

It's hard to figure out when my beautiful dream turned into such a nightmare. Days go by and I become more and more insecure. I am terrified that I am losing you a little bit more every minute...every tiny fraction pierces into my heart. No matter what you say, I know deep down that I truly am not what I used to be in your eyes. You don't look at me the same. You always tell me you love me, but it almost feels empty now when you say it...like it's a bad habit you just can't break.

And it's all my fault. This I know.

I can't seem to get passed my flaws. Like you say, it's like I put it all in reverse instead of moving forward. I keep regressing. But I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to be everything you need me to be.

I had a dream the other night. I stood in an empty field wearing a beautiful gown...a wedding dress. Except you weren't there. I couldn't find you anywhere. I looked everywhere but you were nowhere to be found. It's hard not to feel like that's exactly what I'm doing in real life. Like I'm running around in crazy circles trying to find my groom...trying to find you.

I'm scared of never being your beautiful bride...

It's a hard pill to swallow. I hate thinking that after so much I am now fighting to keep you. To have you love me like you did in the beginning. That I have to fight for the fairy tale happy ending that I thought would come so easily for us. Just know that I will keep fighting no matter what. I will find a way to change. I only beg that I am not too late...

I still think you have a battle of your own. I feel like you are trying to believe in your own words. I know you are trying to not let us slip away. With every passing day, you tell me that all of this negativity that I feel is all false. That when you say you love me you mean it with every bone in your body. That we will make it through it all. I pray every night that you are right, but every night I fall asleep to the thought of you waking up.

So tell me, am I the reason why you tossed and turned last night?...

From the Bottom of My Broken Heart.

The weekend has felt so long. Not being able to write you whenever I want is killing me. For the first time since our separation, it´s almost like i can´t feel you with me anymore...

I have never felt so terrible as I do now. I don´t think i´ve felt this low in a really long time. You´re all I can think about day and night. Not that that´s any different from before, but now everytime I think of you, I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. I miss you so much...I feel truely miserable without you.

I don´t know how you have been doing, but i´m praying that you are doing better than i am. Keeping stronger than me. I hope you are doing okay, baby.

Well I really have not been up to anything much since the last time I was actually able to write you. I have gone downtown twice, and almost passed out once. I have watched about nine movies and yet spent more time out of my room than ever before here now that i no longer have my laptop. Oh, and i was attacked by a hundred ants that crawled into my bed no thanks to my little cousin leaving crumbs from her sweet bread all up in it. So now I have tons of little bite marks that itch like hell. Other than that, i´ve only been mourning the loss of my computer, and your presense in writing.

I feel sick without you, baby. If only i had the chance, i would come home right now. I would do anything to feel closer to you. God i miss you.

But there´s now 14 days left to go. That is the one thing that makes me feel a little better. That two weeks from now, I will hopefully be wrapped in your arms. It´s incredible to think that the number was once at 70. Now i couldn´t be happier that the days are coming down. But now i just pray that these final two weeks without you come fast. I´m dying to see you again. I´d kill just to hear your voice.

Well baby, I hope you can write me something soon. I miss hearing from you! Never forget that you are my world and the most important thing to me. I miss you more than anything sweetheart!

I Love You. Forever and Always <3

A Day Without Your Sunshine.

Day 13//23 Days Left: My aunt killed the rooster yesterday. There were no 5 a.m. wake up calls today, just the sounds of people snoring and phones ringing off the hook. Today was by far the busiest day I’ve had here, which is a really nice change considering that I have hardly seen any light outside my room since Wednesday night [with the exception of Friday morning in which I got out for breakfast but was back in my cave by noon].

We got a call from my dad today. Lee got home last night, so him and Cheyenne are staying with my dad for now. It was good hearing their voices. For some reason, this year I’ve found myself treasuring any familiarity from my home away from here a lot more than in past years. They were on their way to go see The Dark Knight, and I’m insanely jealous. That was about 9:30.

Immediately after, I found myself jumping into an ice cold shower. Colder than usual, seeing as to how it was a very fresh and cool morning. My family from San Luis was said to be on their way, so I had to start getting ready right away. The church service wasn’t until 2 that afternoon, but with a herd of people I knew would be hogging the bathroom and mirrors, I figured it would be smart to get ready before they arrived. No one even ended up getting here until about noon. But after that, it was a madhouse here; crazy family members running everywhere.

We ended up being late to the mass service, go figure. It was nice though. My mom made me go up to the front and play photographer. Not that I minded. I like that role. After that we all stampeded over to the party place [kinda like a Discovery Zone play place for kids, if you hopefully even know what DZ is, lol] and had a grand ole’ time. Ya know, little kids running around screaming in your face, little girls giving you sticky lollipops that they decided they didn’t want to finish, and huge piñata that’s just waiting to be smashed to pieces. It was nice, but not too fun for someone like me with no one to talk to and being way too old to play with all the fun toys. I actually didn’t have much fun at all. Except that I got a chance to beat that piñata like it was an ex boyfriend I found cheating on me :)

We left the place about 7 and all came back to my house. Everyone gathered their chairs and made a sort of circle in the patio. Kinda made me feel like I was in AA or something though, lol. But sitting there staring is kinda what made my night so horrible. It was the fact that everyone there was talking to one another, but I somehow ended up being the only person with nothing to say.

Family is a funny thing. I have so much of them, it’s pretty ridiculous. I’ve spent my whole life adoring these people and being adored by them in return. Mexico is a place I’ve never really felt that uncomfortable being in. Until one day, it just kinda hits. Right now, I have absolutely no one that I fit in with. I’ve always felt an age gap between me and everyone else. I mean all of my cousins are all pretty much over the age of 27. And all of their kids are no older than 16 [but then again, that’s only 2 of them, Giselle and Estefany. Everyone else is under like, 12]. My favorite cousin Gianni is 21, and we’ve always gotten along great. But problem with that is that he lives far away and pretty much every time he does come around now, he ends up leaving to go out and have fun [something my mom is obviously terrified of my having]. Other than them, I really have no one else.

I have a herd of family sitting outside on the patio right now, sadly lacking the only three people I had to talk to. I sat there for about half an hour tuning into every groups conversations, but in the end, I was still just an outsider. I have absolutely nothing that I can input. The older adults are sitting at one side talking about things that I don’t understand whatsoever. My cousins are talking’s about their careers, kids and pregnancy [one of my cousins is pregnant, all other females were giving her advice and telling her how beautiful it is to be pregnant]. The only ones left after that were little kids running around playing tag, and…I have never felt so alone here in my entire life. I have never felt that feeling of not belonging with my family before. Hell, half my cousins forget that I’m their cousin! They all think that I am a niece because of my age. It makes me feel ridiculous. And suddenly with that feeling of such loneliness, I kinda just broke down.

I had to go hide out in the bathroom for a while because I had nowhere else to run. I didn’t know where to go that my mom wouldn’t find me and yell because I wasn’t spending time with the family, but I couldn’t sit in between them all anymore just staring and not saying a word. It was driving me crazy. The only thing I could think of at that moment was just how much I wanted to come home to you. Come home to someone I knew loved me and that I knew I belonged with. I wanted more than ever to be with you.

I ended up going into the kitchen and sat. I ate an entire role of Ritz crackers alone in my boredom. After the kids and older ones started coming in and filling up the rooms, and I could no longer be on the computer to write you, I crawled into bed and tried falling asleep. I must say, it’s the earliest I think I have ever tried sleeping while here. It was about 1:30, and I still had my cousins sitting outside chatting up a storm of their worlds that I, apparently, “wouldn’t understand”. I think I fell asleep to the sounds of their cackles.

So that, my love, was my day. Should have been one of the best, ended up being one of the worst. I just hope you're having better luck than I am, lol. I miss you so much baby. I love you with all of my heart.

A Flood of Change.

Day 8: I woke up really late again today, go figure. I spent all night looking at stupid things on YouTube last night, lol. As soon as I woke up I hopped in the shower and got ready for the day. Estefany has a wedding to go to on Saturday and wanted to get her nails done. So I just went with her to get out. The movie theater was right across the street, so we stopped and went inside for a bit. They have a little cafe place so we decided to split a nice cold frappuccino and Oreo cheesecake [if you haven't figured it out yet, that's pretty much what we ALWAYS eat when we go out]. I'm gonna get fat off of all that, haha. It was dark already and we still had to walk home, so we left soon after. Thankfully it's a short walk, maybe 10 minutes.

My cousin's wife Miriel just got home from Mexico City today. She's the one that usually takes me out at night, so I was pretty excited when I saw her. Right after we got home, she asked us to run some errands with her. We went to the grocery store to buy some stuff for the pizza place. Then later her and my cousin asked me to go with them to drop of the cook at her house.

It was a nice little drive. Chago, my cousin, has a convertible Mustang, so we drove with the top down. It feels really good out tonight. I love that feeling of the wind blowing threw my hair.

After dropping the lady off, we just kinda cruised around town. There was a major flood here just 2 weeks ago. They took me around and showed me all of the places that were heavily flooded, and the areas that were still slightly underwater. It's really bad. I had heard all about it, but I had no idea. Later I saw videos on YouTube of the floods here. There were building that all you could see was the roof. There were people walking around in it with their pants hiked all the way up, water coming up to their thighs. The river still looks ridiculous. Thankfully where our house is wasn't that bad. The only place that had high water around here was a little bit down the street here. So now I'm home, bored lol. But at least I had a more eventful day. I love days like these.

My mom told me that a hurricane could possibly hit us here soon. I know I should probably not be excited about that possibility, but for some reason I am! I don't know why, haha. Is that bad?? I think that's bad! I guess its just because I kinda like storms, especially when I'm with the girls. They get all freaked out and we all end up having a sleepover at one of our houses haha. Juvenile maybe, but it's fun. Plus I've never been in one. I guess I just like the concept of severe weather approaching, haha, i don't know. We'll see what happens.

I heard my uncle and mom talking about some changes they were going to do to our house. Can't say I'm too happy about it all. During this last year, our kitchen outside kinda started falling apart, so they have moved the kitchen into the actual house. Its actually really weird to me, lol. But now they are talking about tearing down the old kitchen! I mean I guess it's pointless to have it there now, but I just can't imagine it not being there! I don't want to think about it. I have so many memories there...waking up and eating breakfast with my grandmother. Her teaching me how to make tortillas and helping her cook [whatever I could do, lol]. I just don't want to see it get torn down. It's so sad. And then they also decided to cut down the guava tree outside my window. Now I hate guava's, but it's so nice having it there! I don't want change, lol. There's already been more than I'd like in the last few years and this is just too much for me. I love my house...I'm sad that you won't get to see everything that I grew up with here...

Well love, I'm glad you are resting. I hate thinking about the bad days that you have been having and I'm praying that they get better for you. I don't like hearing about your frustrations there! I miss you so damn much baby. I can't WAIT until I come home to you.

I love you so much baby!!